August 7th 2010

So its been awhile since the last update. A lot of different things to try and cover in this post. It will be quite long so hang in there. I will try to get updates more often so they don't pile up to long.

Lately I have been feeling better as far as my pain goes. My biggest struggle lately is muscle pain in the morning when I wake up. It gets so bad that I can barely move. It is mainly in my lower back area. I am not sure how I can get this to dissipate or at least get to a more tolerable level. I have tried elevating my legs with pillows. I have tried stretching, which is a completely different struggle I am having as well. More on that later. The only thing that seems to help so far is just getting up with the pain and using a rice bag warmed in the micro. It still doesn't stop the pain in the morning but helps make it go away after I get up.

My pain like I said is getting better. I have mostly good days lately. I still have the occasional pain occurrence when I move the wrong way during the day. It still is difficult to find a comfortable place to lay in bed. It takes several minutes to find it. Laying flat on your back when your used to being able to move around in your sleep is very uncomfortable. This is also when my muscles want to be stretched to most as well. it is very hard to be able to try and stretch my arms and not cause pain in my neck. It is a very fine line between relief in my muscles and pain in my neck.

I had my first real breakdown the other day. I just cried for about an hour. I didn't really know why or what i was upset about. Other than just what was going on. There wasn't anything one thing that set it off. I think it was the first time since my accident that I really let my self grieve for me. It sounds weird to say that but I feel it really helped. My wife says I don't cry in my sleep anymore since then. I sleep through the night a lot better now. I know this may sound weird to many of you but truly believe this was all part of Gods plan. As I thought back to my accident and when I broke down just for fun I counted the days. I don't what significance it has but it was 40 days. 40days I suffered with not sleeping well, crying in my sleep, pain in my neck and then I finally grieved. Only then did most of this stop and I am able to feel a little better. Take out of this what you want but I really believe it is all in His plan.

My other big struggle I have is just coming to the realization that there are just some selfish people in this world. It has become very disappointing. Not only do I have to deal with the feelings of being injured and the pain as a result of it. I also have to deal with the pain of disappointment. It is really sad that I even am writing about this but it is a reality and it is part of life. The people you expect to be here for you and help you through the most difficult times in your life are just not the same people you expected them to be. You find out who really cares about you and for you. You also find out that there are those who care about you a lot that you never really expected them to be one of the few that do. I have some amazing people in my life and I am grateful for that. Thank you

During the past few weeks I am also becoming more nervous as we get closer to my appointment Monday the 9th. I do not know what to expect. I am praying that it is healing properly and no surgery will be needed. I also have to also prepare myself that it may not be healing as well. Mentally I am exhausted at having to do this. I know I am supposed to hope that it will be healing and pray that I Will heal but I also have come to the realization that it may not be the case. I am not saying I wont be better but I am just not sure in what capacity it will be in. This is a question I do not have an answer for as of yet. My life will continue to go on and I will get past this day. I have also decided that I will not be held back from this. I am going to continue living my life the same as I did before. I will be a husband to my wife and father to my wonderful daughter. As for how I do the things in my life that require activity it still remains up in the air just how I will do them. But do them I will. Until Monday, keep praying it is healing.